Rather than nervously await the almost inevitable pink-slip, some advertising crony up and committed career suicide. Ah, just in time for the holidays.
I mean, who else would create a Motrin ad campaign vilifying baby carriers as hernia inducing torture chambers causing cuckoo bird crazy eyes to sprout on their child-cradling fashion victims?
Only a person without enough guts to ask for a long vacation. Or these top ten most likely types to create an obnoxious Motrin ad:
10. Self-hating embittered shrew who despises children, their cutesy noises, and smelly diaper leaks.
9. Neanderthal caveman from the popular GEICO ads.
8. Womanizing, power lusting, money grubbing playah with a madonna-slut complex.
7. New intern whose only creative talent is pleasuring the boss.
6. Aging hunchback who had her tubes tied about an hour after giving birth.
5. Perfectionist type-A super-achiever who brings home the bacon, fries it up in the pan, and never lets you forget you're a man.
4. Doormat push-over who can be talked into anything, including wearing a sling carrier to hold someone else's twenty-five pound baby during a trip to the mall.
3. Self-absorbed socially clueless ADHD person too busy maneuvering an unforgiving and perilous world.
2. Hermaphrodite.
1. Man living at home with his mother, seven cats, and one helluva post-nasal drip.
Is it too late to short sell JNJ?
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Showing posts with label Top Ten. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top Ten. Show all posts
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Top Ten (Plus Five) Catch Phrases of Election 2008
In the waning days of Election 2008, there has never been a greater need to settle the score.
Terrorist ties? Sex with lobbyists? Heavens no, I'm referring to catch phrases.
That's right, those nuanced nuggets that summarize a dramatic or hilarious turn of events in the race for the presidency. Whether a word, phrase or complete sentence, a single utterance conjures up vibes. For good or for bad, they define a campaign. What went wrong, what went right, it's all there between the lines.
Vote for your favorite or suggest your own. Whichever way the election goes, you can still play a part in picking a winner.
1. The one
2. That one
3. The original maverick
4. Rock star
5. Hockey mom
6. Joe six pack
7. Lipstick on a pig
8. Joe the plumber
9. Troopergate
10. My Muslim faith
11. Words are just words
12. Yes we can
13. Change
14. My friend
15. What is it exactly that the VP does?
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Top Ten Questions About Tonight's Vice Presidential Debate
Late breaking post. Less than an hour before broadcast of the first and last vice presidential debate. So much riding on one televised broadcast, so little time.
Here's the top ten things I would like answered prior to tonight's debate:
#10 - Will Palin wear something other than that tired fire engine red bandleader jacket?
#9 - Will Biden formulate responses as actual answers rather than something akin to a soliloquy from Hamlet?
#8 - How many times will Palin say the moderator's name to fill time and fake answers sounding more intelligent than pageant prattle?
#7 - Can Biden swallow the foot he's inevitably going to stick in his mouth so the audience won't realize it's there?
#6 - Will Palin ask the moderator to reformulate the question like a kid at the National Spelling Bee whenever she gets stuck for an answer?
#5 - Will Biden make mincemeat of Palin's first gaffe or let it blow over in deference to politically correct rules of decorum?
#4 - Will Palin pull homespun analogies from a rabbit's hat trying to make the audience forget exactly how far in over her head she is in this election?
#3 - Can Biden get through the entire debate without reminding the audience he knows from experience what it's like to suffer through personal tragedy?
#2 - Will right-wing radio talk show hosts ever stop harping on moderator Gwen Ifill's blatant bias against Palin? Yeesh. It's like they fully expect Palin to implode upon impact.
And the number one question I would like answered prior to tonight's debate ....
(drum roll)
#1 - How many bloggers have posted drinking games predicated upon the number of times each candidate does and/or says something stupid and/or predictable?
Monday, September 22, 2008
Top Ten Revealing Fashion Trends
(WARNING: Photos used in this article may be too revealing for children under 13-years old. Parental guidance suggested)
Gack! It's passing for fashion.... or worse ....political statement.
Starting with Kylie Minogue's Q Magazine cover, a fashion trend emphasizing previously unmentionable body parts is beginning to attract media attention and engulf runways. For now, cooler heads can breathe a sigh of relief. The trend doesn't appear to be spreading... yet.
Daring and shocking perhaps, yet unlikely to go mainstream. Which means most people have enough sense to gawk and LTAO before forwarding these pictures to friends. Then again, what do I know? Never thought pajama pants would become trendy and now the lady across the street wears them outside.
So, if you're someone who wants to be caught dead in any of these outfits, by all means, go to town. Just please snap a picture of yourself first. With any luck, someone will forward it to The Spewker.
We could use a good laugh now and then.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
The Top 10 Salient Celebrity Smackers
They’re bowed, blown-up, full, curled, lush, luscious, rounded, snarled and salacious. Portals of communication and objections of obsession. Curio chambers of lips, teeth, and gums. I’m talking about salient celebrity smackers.
Many have undergone surgical enhancement, but those that stand head and shoulders above the rest deserve mention. Not because they’re pumped or pouty, but because certain mouths just got it going on.
The qualities of a standout are hard to pinpoint. It can be as simple as the way a celebrity speaks, or a more subtle allure like a dart of the tongue. Some attract without effort while others are conscious acts of creation. Many have quested for the gold standard and failed. Britney’s recent foray into collagen enhancement proves the allure cannot be purchased. It’s the original package or what’s done with it that counts.
Note to readers: After publishing this article, many of the following videos were removed from YouTube. Their shells remain to display the captured title. Substitute videos appear below. We apologize for the complete lack of consideration of some "too full of themselves" individual. Now back to the original article.
With so many to choose from, I decided to take a stab at whittling it down to the top ten. Here are mine in reverse order:
10. Barbara Walters - When the late Gilda Radner donned her wig and journalists clothing, she became the epitome of this “wiving wegend.” “Baba” started her career with an almost imperceptible impediment that quickly became the most “pwonounced” joke in show business. Fantastic footage of the late Madeline Kahn as Marlena “Mahwena Deuschman” Dietrich is a hilarious bonus.
9. Holly Hunter - I’m obsessed with this Academy Award winner’s mouth because I can’t quite identify the impediment. It’s a lisp, it’s a hollow whistle, it’s a gentle shushing sound...it’s... completely fascinating. Also cannot ignore the right corner droop and killer southern accent. John Henson takes a jab at her trademark drawl, but Holly fights right back. Watch the end for an impressive impersonation of the late Katherine Hepburn.
8. Donald Trump - Best scene on The Apprentice ever. I don’t know how he speaks through those rounded protuberances, but it’s an exaggeration screaming for attention. More recent clips of The Donald show a toning down of the pouty puss. Hmmm... must not have enjoyed all those SNL parodies.
7. Dolly Parton - Before too much tweaking turned her into a cartoon version of bonkers on a stick, Dolly’s southern twang, lopsided bite, shushing "sss," and lower right corner droop mesmerized millions. Here’s a wonderful interview of a younger Dolly showing why she’s known as the gal with a heart of gold.
6. Alicia Silverstone - Asymetrical smile. Top right sneer. Lips that practically cover the entire bottom of her face. When Ms. Silverstone smiles, she reveals the entire length of her upper gums. The only other celebrity who can make that claim to fame is Mr. Ed.
5. Liv Tyler - A clip of Liv and her family at the Gotham Magazine launch party. It’s not so much the extraordinary shape and size of her lips as they way she purses them when she speaks. Each wonderful genuflect and tongue dart is captured here in fire engine red. Loved where she chose to caresses the magazine cover and her special send off at the end.
4. Cher - Before earning her Academy Award, Cher was a celebrated recipient of Harvard’s coveted hasty pudding pot. Check out the formerly perky cupid bow, famous tongue thrusts, renowned lip licks, and occasional cheek puff. Love those pre-collagen days.
3. Sylvester Stallone - The come hither sneer, the tongue dart, the two finger upper stance, the purse, the right corner droop. Rocky is in fine form here. This clip includes highlights from Sly’s latest flick, Rocky Balboa, and news of another franchise sequel.
2. Mick Jagger - Mick practically gets naked with Tina Turner at this Live Aid benefit. The highlight comes about 1:55 in. Additional lingual acrobatics follow, but not one of them tops the 1:56 freeze frame. Note the exquisite upper lip furl. One of the sexiest pouts this side of the pond, it’s no wonder Mick’s lips make headlines around the world.
1. Angelina Jolie - Pursing, pouting, smacking, licking, rubbing, tapping, you name it, these lips do it and more. In this revealing interview of the woman heralded as “Sexiest Woman Alive” and “One of the Fifty Most Beautiful People in the World,” Jolie’s mouth stretches the width of her wide set eyes and length of her tapered fingers. Look for the Shiloh sequel in years to come.
Honorable Mention: Brigitte Bardot, Drew Barrymore, Sandra Bernhardt, Geena Davis, Sophia Loren, Eddie Murphy, Julia Roberts, Garry Shandling, John Travolta, Steven Tyler, Alfre Woodard.
Gone But Not Forgotten: Marlon Brando, Sammy Davis, Jr., Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Anna Nicole Smith.
Update: Well, as Gilda Radner's famous character Rosanne Rosanna Dana used to say, "It's always something." Somebody came snooping around for "Holly Hunter mouth droop" and a whole slew of these videos magically disappeared from YouTube. Must be somebody pretty powerful and/or incredibly sanctimonious. I just hope they're proud of themselves.
This article took many many hours to put together just so, but they obviously don't care. The right emphasis on a celebrity's mouth, the perfect camera angle, and overall illustration of my impressions... all of this matters in supporting the points made here.
It's not as if the people or conglomerates with rights to the footage will ever find an acceptable business model to make money off of it. Okay, maybe they will, but it will be peanuts in comparison to the joy those videos bring. Those precious moments are lost forever, maybe never to reappear. Making YouTube delete otherwise unavailable camera footage is just plain wrong, copyright laws or not.
The next time whoever you are orders footage removed, will you kindly leave a link in my comments section to wherever the video is now available, if at all? At least that way people who are truly interested will still have a chance to footage of these spectacular pusses in action.
FYI, here are some substitute videos, but they don't do justice to the originals. But what's another ten hours shaved off of my life, eh?
HOLLY HUNTER
DOLLY PARTON
LIV TYLER
CHER
Sorry - post-collagen
SYLVESTER STALLONE
MICK JAGGER
ANGELINA JOLIE
Many have undergone surgical enhancement, but those that stand head and shoulders above the rest deserve mention. Not because they’re pumped or pouty, but because certain mouths just got it going on.
The qualities of a standout are hard to pinpoint. It can be as simple as the way a celebrity speaks, or a more subtle allure like a dart of the tongue. Some attract without effort while others are conscious acts of creation. Many have quested for the gold standard and failed. Britney’s recent foray into collagen enhancement proves the allure cannot be purchased. It’s the original package or what’s done with it that counts.
Note to readers: After publishing this article, many of the following videos were removed from YouTube. Their shells remain to display the captured title. Substitute videos appear below. We apologize for the complete lack of consideration of some "too full of themselves" individual. Now back to the original article.
With so many to choose from, I decided to take a stab at whittling it down to the top ten. Here are mine in reverse order:
10. Barbara Walters - When the late Gilda Radner donned her wig and journalists clothing, she became the epitome of this “wiving wegend.” “Baba” started her career with an almost imperceptible impediment that quickly became the most “pwonounced” joke in show business. Fantastic footage of the late Madeline Kahn as Marlena “Mahwena Deuschman” Dietrich is a hilarious bonus.
9. Holly Hunter - I’m obsessed with this Academy Award winner’s mouth because I can’t quite identify the impediment. It’s a lisp, it’s a hollow whistle, it’s a gentle shushing sound...it’s... completely fascinating. Also cannot ignore the right corner droop and killer southern accent. John Henson takes a jab at her trademark drawl, but Holly fights right back. Watch the end for an impressive impersonation of the late Katherine Hepburn.
8. Donald Trump - Best scene on The Apprentice ever. I don’t know how he speaks through those rounded protuberances, but it’s an exaggeration screaming for attention. More recent clips of The Donald show a toning down of the pouty puss. Hmmm... must not have enjoyed all those SNL parodies.
7. Dolly Parton - Before too much tweaking turned her into a cartoon version of bonkers on a stick, Dolly’s southern twang, lopsided bite, shushing "sss," and lower right corner droop mesmerized millions. Here’s a wonderful interview of a younger Dolly showing why she’s known as the gal with a heart of gold.
6. Alicia Silverstone - Asymetrical smile. Top right sneer. Lips that practically cover the entire bottom of her face. When Ms. Silverstone smiles, she reveals the entire length of her upper gums. The only other celebrity who can make that claim to fame is Mr. Ed.
5. Liv Tyler - A clip of Liv and her family at the Gotham Magazine launch party. It’s not so much the extraordinary shape and size of her lips as they way she purses them when she speaks. Each wonderful genuflect and tongue dart is captured here in fire engine red. Loved where she chose to caresses the magazine cover and her special send off at the end.
4. Cher - Before earning her Academy Award, Cher was a celebrated recipient of Harvard’s coveted hasty pudding pot. Check out the formerly perky cupid bow, famous tongue thrusts, renowned lip licks, and occasional cheek puff. Love those pre-collagen days.
3. Sylvester Stallone - The come hither sneer, the tongue dart, the two finger upper stance, the purse, the right corner droop. Rocky is in fine form here. This clip includes highlights from Sly’s latest flick, Rocky Balboa, and news of another franchise sequel.
2. Mick Jagger - Mick practically gets naked with Tina Turner at this Live Aid benefit. The highlight comes about 1:55 in. Additional lingual acrobatics follow, but not one of them tops the 1:56 freeze frame. Note the exquisite upper lip furl. One of the sexiest pouts this side of the pond, it’s no wonder Mick’s lips make headlines around the world.
1. Angelina Jolie - Pursing, pouting, smacking, licking, rubbing, tapping, you name it, these lips do it and more. In this revealing interview of the woman heralded as “Sexiest Woman Alive” and “One of the Fifty Most Beautiful People in the World,” Jolie’s mouth stretches the width of her wide set eyes and length of her tapered fingers. Look for the Shiloh sequel in years to come.
Honorable Mention: Brigitte Bardot, Drew Barrymore, Sandra Bernhardt, Geena Davis, Sophia Loren, Eddie Murphy, Julia Roberts, Garry Shandling, John Travolta, Steven Tyler, Alfre Woodard.
Gone But Not Forgotten: Marlon Brando, Sammy Davis, Jr., Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Anna Nicole Smith.
Update: Well, as Gilda Radner's famous character Rosanne Rosanna Dana used to say, "It's always something." Somebody came snooping around for "Holly Hunter mouth droop" and a whole slew of these videos magically disappeared from YouTube. Must be somebody pretty powerful and/or incredibly sanctimonious. I just hope they're proud of themselves.
This article took many many hours to put together just so, but they obviously don't care. The right emphasis on a celebrity's mouth, the perfect camera angle, and overall illustration of my impressions... all of this matters in supporting the points made here.
It's not as if the people or conglomerates with rights to the footage will ever find an acceptable business model to make money off of it. Okay, maybe they will, but it will be peanuts in comparison to the joy those videos bring. Those precious moments are lost forever, maybe never to reappear. Making YouTube delete otherwise unavailable camera footage is just plain wrong, copyright laws or not.
The next time whoever you are orders footage removed, will you kindly leave a link in my comments section to wherever the video is now available, if at all? At least that way people who are truly interested will still have a chance to footage of these spectacular pusses in action.
FYI, here are some substitute videos, but they don't do justice to the originals. But what's another ten hours shaved off of my life, eh?
HOLLY HUNTER
DOLLY PARTON
LIV TYLER
CHER
Sorry - post-collagen
SYLVESTER STALLONE
MICK JAGGER
ANGELINA JOLIE
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