Skepticism in Buddhism is Good.

I think skepticism is very admirable, and rather unusual. The history of the world reveals that people are drawn to those who provide a strong, uncompromising teaching. We're drawn to those who say, "This is it, and everyone else is wrong." Certainly we see this pattern in contemporary politics, but we also see abuse of this sort within spiritual circles. It makes you wonder: Do we really want freedom? Can we handle the responsibility? Or would we just prefer to have an impressive teacher, someone who can give us the answers and do all the hard work for us?

–Larry Rosenberg, from "The Right to Ask Questions," Tricycle, Fall 2003

James: Buddhism is by nature a skeptical belief system. Buddha was very much a skeptical being who discovered enlightenment because of a healthy questioning of the accepted explanations of reality at the time. He dared question the great Brahman leaders of the day and was thus seen as a rebel of sorts. We are descendants of that tradition as taught by the Buddha within the Kalama Sutra where he teaches and even encourages thinking for yourself and not believing something if it doesn't ring true through your own experiences. The Kalama Sutra is the keystone of my Buddhist beliefs because without the freedom of inquiry and acceptance of differences as a foundation; Buddhism is just another intolerant, rigid, controlling belief system.

I feel that Buddhism treats me like an adult and allows me greater freedom. Whereas in the brand of religion that I was raised with (Mormon Christianity) it felt the complete opposite. I felt like it saw me as a child not to be trusted with thinking for myself and I felt like I was constantly being talked down to and seen as a threat or "evil" when I questioned the "parents" (church leaders, doctrine, etc). I didn't feel trusted and that made me frustrated, angry, confused, cynical, resentful and ultimately I left feeling completely deceived. I felt like I was being punished for thinking for myself. Of course the monotheist religions, (Christianity, Judaism and Islam) like all forms of religion have their good qualities but for me personally it was too controlling and domineering. It's only natural to feel that way when you don't feel trusted or ever good enough by any group, organization or ideology.

A teacher in Buddhism will give you pointers and advice but you won't be somehow kicked out of Buddhism if you don't follow it word for word or even at all. Unless of course you're a monk but becoming a monastic who actually seeks out such a strict code of living and practicing is a decision made individually for the most part. Even then a monk might be asked to leave the monastery but they are still allowed to practice that form of Buddhism. Whereas in my former, monotheistic religion I felt like everyone was held to such a standard and if you wanted to practice in a less rigid way you were considered weak, inadequate and all too often reprimanded and even excommunicated.

After leaving that religion I was looking for a belief system that was more tolerant for such reasoned scrutiny. As well as allowing for a lot more personal freedom in tailoring the teachings to each person's unique and particular life. I found that in Buddhism, which is anchored in how our karma varies from being to being. Karma demands greater freedom to explore and personalize one's practice. So doubt in Buddhism isn't a "sin" (there is no such thing as sin anyway in Buddhism). In fact doubt can lead to some very powerful insights into spirituality as the exploration is personal and not spoon fed to you. This is not to say that monotheistic religions don't have aspects of personal exploration but it is very limited I have found in comparison to Buddhism.

There are, however, fellow converts in Buddhism that I find from time to time who do practice with similar rigidity, exclusivity and over-bearing reverence, which I saw so much in my monotheistic past. I have found that these people are often former monotheists as well who might have adopted Buddhism but they practice it by the way they use to practice their former religion. I believe that Buddhism isn't just about adopting different beliefs but changing one's entire approach to how religion is practiced.

Addendum: Special thanks to Phillip Ryan over at Tricycle for the quote.

An Epiphany: My Spiritual Awakening and Path Toward Forgiveness

Taking a nod from Peter I decided to write about an epiphany in my life. This is the epiphany of my spiritual awakening. I had just returned from a difficult, trying, scary, confusing and exhausting two year Mormon mission from Cote D'Ivoire, West Africa where my world had been turned upside down. My unflinching commitment to the Mormon faith was unraveling by the day as I began to do some research into what were the opposing views. You see, I had been taught to not question the veracity of the church let alone read a different viewpoint on the history and teachings of the Mormon faith.

Yet I had questions that nagged at me day and night that even invaded my dreams. I could not push them away. There were too many things that were not logically lining up or making sense to me as I looked further into the looking glass of (what was for me) honest investigation. I had to know what was out there in the spiritual garden to choose from that I hadn't even glanced at before. I had never before looked at both sides before making up my mind on something so important as my spiritual path. I firmly believe in knowing all the information out there before making decisions. I had simply borrowed from my parents testimony in the church and those of my teachers/leaders. I thought I knew that the Mormon faith was the only truth possible on the Earth but I began to realize after my mission that I was simply parroting what I was told in Sunday school class. I wanted to fit in and be like everyone else who had such seemingly undeniable faith.

Yes, I did feel some wonderful spiritual moments growing up in the Mormon church and I've always had a deep spiritual foundation yet the older that I became the less the same old answers and explanations made sense. The more I read the more disillusioned I became yet I still attended meetings in hopes that maybe something would change because although I wanted to know what was true for myself--I was afraid of making such an earth-shattering change to leave the faith. It wasn't long, however, before I knew that I couldn't carry on the charade anymore. I had to leave if my integrity meant anything to me.

I left and didn't look back which was difficult for me because it meant possible alienation from my family and friends who were at the time all Mormons. But how could I stay--living a lie?? No, for once I had to be brave and set forth on my own path in life. So, for the first time in my life I was free to be who I wanted to be and think for myself. I dined at the spiritual feast of options and engorged my hungry appetite for knowledge. Yet nothing seemed to fit--just as Mormonism didn't seem to fit. In the meantime a monster was brewing in my brain--Schizo-affective disorder.

I was living with a brain disorder--a chemical imbalance in my brain that was causing wild mood swings, depression one minute and mania the next. However, this monster hand many heads. Along with the mood swings came hallucinations in the form of voices, visual disturbances, paranoia and delusional thinking. This combined with a raging anger at a feeling of being misled by the religion of my youth made a dangerous mixture. In short, I was growing more and more isolated from people and more and more disillusioned with all things spiritual, material and otherwise. I was in deep suffering not knowing where to turn, not knowing there was medicine out there that could help my chemical imbalance. Hell, not even knowing I had a chemical imbalance!! I saw everyone as my enemy. I finally saw a psychiatrist who started me on medicines but they didn't work and that began a journey of jumping from one psych to the next. None of them were helping much and the medicines seemed to just make things worse.

I was listening to angry music, reading about bizarre spiritual practices and becoming more enraged by the day. The climax of my spiral through this Hell though came when I was so angry, fearful and depressed that I just wanted nothing more then to blow up the entire planet (or for someone else to. I wanted to take a nuclear bomb straight to the head). Just end the misery that I saw the Earth experience to have become. I wanted to end my suffering, that of others and destroy all those whom I perceived had done me wrong. I was in a very bad place. Enter my friend "Charlie" I'll call him. We met in a summertime class at the university--I can't remember the name of the class now but I remember him, yes, indeed I always will for "Charlie" opened my eyes. He introduced me to a man named, Dr. David R. Hawkins via his books. He was some sort of mystic I gathered and agreed to read his first book, "Power vs. Force" and I couldn't put it down.

There for the first time I learned about Oneness, mindfulness, impermanence, ego, karma and the description of a "God force" that made much more sense to me. This force taught by Hawkins is one that is intrinsic within all things and goes beyond a physical being. There were some things in his books that I didn't really get or agree with but over-all I was astounded at what I found. It was no less then finding not only the meaning of life but the meaning of the existence of everything that ever was, is and will be!! Talk about an epiphany!!! I was spun around and "reborn" to use a heavily loaded word. The more I read these books the more the very world around me shifted into a new light. I didn't just see the trees around me as "scenery" but as living breathing brothers and sisters that I was dependent upon and vice versa. That my friends as many of you know has a powerful effect. I was apart of something powerful, loving, beautiful and perhaps most importantly--meaningful. It was about this time that I met my current psychiatrist and psychologist who finally found a combination of medicines that help me manage my condition as best as possible. I knew that from that point onward I would be a totally different person and I wasn't scared--I was relieved. It also through his books that I was introduced to Buddhism and four years later--here I am.

Now, I try to see the good in all religions and I often succeed but I still struggle with the Mormon faith. Never the less, I am working on forgiving past wrongs and healing scars. I still have some strong opinions about that church but I am trying to put that all behind me. It is a personal challenge for me to forgive those people and accept that faith as having value and benefit to society. There are times when I see much good in their teachings but still others when I see them as dangerous. I am by no means a perfect man. Yet, there are many wonderful people in the Mormon church who's lives have been greatly improved by their faith and who have beautiful, pure, loving hearts--my mother, father and two older brothers are a few. In fact, there are even some things that I agree with them about after all these years. It isn't always easy but I am determined to let this anger, bitterness and hurt go one day once and for all.

PHOTO: The temples of Bagan in Myanmar by Stuart Clyne.