Save the Cheerleader, Save the World from Hottest Tots and Celebrity Couples

Forbes' Hottest Hollywood Tots is such a crock of publicity horse cocky, I want to steam myself under a hot shower for the next fifteen minutes just to loosen the dibbles.

Joel McHale said exactly what was on my mind - why in the world is Forbes magazine venturing into the world of celebrity fluffaby? Did editors throw the financial sector overboard now that America is knee deep in meltdown economics?

"Oh, we can't break even publishing financial pontifications. Let's add a celebrity toddlers hot or not contest. That'll bring in people clicking like mad."

You'd better believe I'm mad, uptight and mad's more like it. Mad that I had to click through five crappy millileters each time I wanted more information about the listed tots. Boy, Forbes' stuff must really be in the toilet to milk so much out of celebrity gossip.

So I'm ending the shennanigans right now by printing their ridiculous exercise in self-preservation, saving you, dear reader, the torture of suffering through another gazilllion of pages from hell.

10. Samantha Sheen (Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen)
9. Sean and Preston Federline (Britney and Fed-Ex)
8. David Banda (Madonna)
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger)
6. Cruz Beckham (Posh and Becks)
5. Sam Alexis Woods (Tiger and Elin Woods)
4-2. Pax, Zahara, and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (in that order)(Brangelina)
1. Suri Cruise (TomKat)

And as long as we're on the subject, I have only this to ask ... WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

How could anyone in their right mind include tug-of-war toy David Banda but omit Kingston Rossdale? Or Johan Samuel? Or Harlow Winter Kate Madden, for that matter?

And what about the inferiority complexes foisted upon helpless and defenseless celebritots who through no fault of their own are subjected to arbitrary and capricious rejection every time they hear the name "Forbes?" It's not like these children ask to be paraded around like a traveling museum. The least we can do is feign a little respect for their privacy.

Not so when it comes to 2008's Best and Worst Celebrity Couples list. You'll also slog through a ton of advertising, but at the end of the day, won't feel any worse for the wear.

Unlike hot to trot celebritots, there's the trade-off component of choosing a profession that unfolds in the public eye. Celebrities expect and anticipate a certain amount of ogle. It's the American way, for goodness sake!

For those reasons and the fact that only one couple per family posted in the best and worst section, no spoilers about 2008's Best and Worse. Go ahead, get your hands dirty.

I won't tell if you won't.

Madonna's an Old Fart, Sheridan Bolton have No Heart, and HBO Series 'Entourage' Gets Off to a Great Start

Between last week and this week, life went horribly awry. Both the dryer and the upstairs toilet broke, leaving a small army's worth of smelly towels and rugs. Got a sunburn to die for while recuperating from a face first dive beneath the sea. Slam went the boogie board as my nose followed bloodied and bruised. Oh, and there's no justice in America. Try sitting in a courtroom all day pleading for mercy only to have the stinking judge throw the book and kitchen sink at one very misguided relative. Despite my best intentions to make this a daily, once again, it's the weekly Wrap of Crap.



Sticky and sweet may have deeper significance for popfart Madonna. Explicitly lewd love letters and photographs expressing her penchant for spanking may be part of a February exhibition entitled "Simply Madonna: Materials of the Girl." From the same slut who brought us the offensively raunchy coffee table book SEX, comes the threat of legal action if former lover Jame Albright puts her oh so private materials on display.

Oh hooray. Speaking of Madonna, we can all stop worrying about her very public feud with Sir Elton John. It's over. The Goodbye Yellow Brick Road crooner was spotted along with musician Bono enthusiastically clapping at her Sticky and Sweet performance in Nice, France.

It's deja vu all over again. Nicolette Sheridan and Michael Bolton have once again called it quits. The couple dated for five years before ending their relationship in 1997, then became engaged in March, 2006. Seems to me like a revolving door of domestic tranquility with someone balking at walking down the aisle.

Los Angeles based 220 Laboratories is suing actress Kate Hudson for revealing its secret hair care ingredient to competitor David Babaii. Hudson allegedly made a verbal agreement to promote the company's line of products before letting the cat out of the bag. A representative for Hudson denies all accusations.

By now, everyone knows about the trials and tribulations of "Valkyrie," the expected Christmas Day turkey. Twelve extras are suing Tom Cruise and his production company United Artists for $11 million, alleging negligence and personal injury. The cast members suffered broken bones, cuts, pulled ligaments and bruises when the side panel of an antique German army truck flew open. Plaintiffs' lawyer claims the truck had not been properly secured. Might explain why Cruise and former business partner Paula Wagner recently parted ways.

He knows they're out there. That's probably why The X-Files and Californication star David Duchovny entered a rehab facility for treatment of a sex addiction. Never mind whatever threats of divorce may or may not have been made by fellow actor and wife, Tea Leoni. Both parties have pleaded for privacy during this extremely painful time for their family.

Fans who attended Neil Diamond's Ohio State University concert on Monday, August 25th may request a refund from now until September 5th. The "Sweet Caroline" singer suffered acute laryngitis, making his voice sound raspy during the performance.

The Broadway production of Grease will get another infusion of American Idol lubricant. Season 5 performer Ace Young will play Kenickie from September 9th through January 18th, joining the cast just as Season 5 winner Taylor Hicks exits his role as teen angel.

Illegal downloads will land you in jail. Honestly, they're not worth it. At the very least, don't be like this poor sap. If you ever need a deterrent, look at the FBI turning the life of 27-year old Kevin Cogill upside down. The blogger, who is suspected of streaming songs from the unreleased Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy, must pay a $10,000 fine and appear for a September 17th preliminary hearing to answer charges of felony copyright infringement.

Attention all tweeny boppers and the parents who lavish them with love and affection. Verizon Wireless and Samsung are running a contest with the top prize of a Bahamas vacation with The Jonas Brothers. For details, visit the official site.

The HBO hit series Entourage will team up in a big way with Virgin America. From now until the end of September, flights from New York to Las Vegas will be renamed "Entourage Air." Lucky fans on the September 4th flight will receive free swag and get to watch the premiere. The airline will also rename their first class seating "Entourage Class."

Katie Holmes Goes Molly and Mo' Gossip

To beef up the profile of our virtual Hollywood correspondent Moan Quivers, we're starting a new Monday morning weekend wrap of tacky gossip and related oddities. No relation to celebrity politics whatsoever. Moani needs more to do around here.

Oh, oh, I'm so excited. I finally get my own regular weekly feature. This is such a step up from that tired pink bot. Thanks, peoples! I'll try not to let you down.

IT'S MOAN QUIVERS !! Wow. I'm getting slightly misty-eyed. Play it, Bruno!

No, wait. That was my other gig. Ah-hem, moving on.

These Aussie guys are party animals. Haimish and Andy, get it? You'd have to be really old. These two aren't. Feeling a tad kindred spirit with young Andy, if that is indeed his real name.

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom continue to deny rumors of a break-up. Kissy-kissy. Next time don't be so public when cozying up to the grease.

Peek-a-boo Nahla Ariela Aubrey (aka Halle Berry's daughter). Oh, show her blink'n face already! That kid's gonna be driving a car before we get a good gawk at her.

Britney Spears would be meshuganeh to poo-poo her parents now. She looks better at this Generation Rescue gala than she has in years. Brit's back in the recording studio and taking a stab at a comeback. Now if she would drop that hideous paparazzo and date some normal people, I might have to stalk other places for dirt.

Daisy, sweetheart, no doubt you are the inspiration for this incredibly funny SNL skit. Dave, darling, there are better scraps in the dumpster.

I feel like I'm reading a spy novel. "The departure began at 3:50 a.m. .... minibus with darkened windows ... sudden spray of light ... very quickly organizing themselves inside ... 'Pouf!' they were gone." No wonder the French reported the birth of Brangelina's twins as a major American news event.

Katie Holmes has been channeling her inner Molly Ringwald. TomKat must be on the prowl for Hilary Swank roles.

Ooooo. Kelly Osbourne engaged? Doooo tell!

Dumkopf. If you hadn't pressured him to marry you in the first place you'd still be together. Sarah pines for George. Duh.

Speaking of pressure, if Jennifer Aniston knows what's good for her, she'll stop swooning all mooney-eyed. Dog Norman has taken an intense disliking to new beau, John Mayer, for good reason, I'm sure.

One of our favorite producer/directors Brett Ratner will be working with his Rush Hour trois star Chris Tucker again. The two plan to bring a big tell all Sinatra biopic to the big screen.

Brenda's back. Shannen Doherty will return for multiple guest spots on the new Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off, 90210. That muffled sound you hear is Aaron Spelling turning over in his grave.

So... ya think they should expand this spot to a daily?

Katie Holmes Catches Detour from Broadway Into Stepford Boot Camp

The May 11th issue of Star Magazine soon hits newsstands with an oddly familiar cover story. Egomaniac husband unable to accept wife's desire to live life on her own terms vainly attempts to temper wife's independent spirit with subtle acts of domination, causing them to grow apart, eventually leading husband to squelch his growing anxiety over reduction of power in their relationship through the orchestration of a diabolical solution.

Ah, yes. The Stepford Wives. The original, although a cinematically primitive made-for TV movie, much better than the remake. Rent it, if you haven't already.

Meanwhile, can anyone confirm this blind item?

Hillary Clinton Rouses Heiffer Sympathies and Other Undigested Blips

Undigested news items gleaned and overheard while out and about...

"We've had the freedom to do whatever we want, if we're fortunate enough to know what that is." Rush Limbaugh discussing the allure of socialism and communism to the current generation of Americans.

"Barring any imminent settlement of the WGA strike, the 2007 Golden Globes Awards will be held at my apartment on the Westside of Manhattan this year." Alec Baldwin reacting to rumblings of cancellation of the popular awards show.

"My husband paid for those tires, and there was no reason for that man to come and steal them." Tearful outcry of Baltimore City, Maryland resident, Daphne Brockington, after husband, Charles, received a five year prison sentence for killing a man who stole his $1,500.00 Mercedes-Benz tire rims.

"I know you're going to inspect me. You can look inside my mouth if you want." Hillary Clinton stumping from a livestock auction barn in Dunlap, Iowa.

"To think that I would just be in support of somebody because of the color of their skin would mean we hadn't moved very far from Dr. King's speech in 1963, saying that we want people to be judged by the content of their character, and not by the color of their skin." Facing criticism of celebrity endorsement for Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey defends stirring support for black presidential candidate.

Happy birthday to all who share December 18th with these famous celebs: Keith Richards,64; Steven Spielberg, 61; Ray Liotta, 53; Brad Pitt, 44; Katie Holmes, 29; Christina Aguilera, 27.

Spice Girls Concert Tour Needs More Show

The attractive and stunningly fashionable Beckhams seem to be everywhere. Becks and brood caught wife Victoria’s half-empty show at the Vegas Mandalay on Monday. Word on the street suggests The Spice Girls’ "sold-out" concert tour is heavy on promo but light on showmo.

Posh must not have been as nervous as originally leaked to the media, supposedly the reason for sending hubby away for the premiere. Despite having recently traveled halfway around the world, there he was, along with BFFs Tom and Katie, cheering the spices from a private box. With all that star power and empty seating, the least they could have done was try to fill the place by sitting on the floor. The trashy crowd would have ignited, causing anyone within earshot to purchase admission just to check out the commotion.

Posh is next month's Elle cover story, but with the kind of press she and the spices have been generating of late, the issue may have prematurely shot its wad. “I’m such a gay man trying to get out,” Mrs. Beckham remarks, a reaction from political left field to her supposed drag queen sense of fashion.

Already, the bloggers are having a field day. When this issue hits newsstands, there’ll be little left to deride. Then there’s the mainstream. They can’t figure out how to react, but dutifully report the uttering anyway. Readers are left to think what they will.

Gay men have been known for flamboyancy, it’s true, but Posh’s sense of fashion isn't quite on the level of queen. Besides, plenty of gay men have devoted followings without being camp. This one immediately comes to mind. No self-respecting queen would be caught dead in that ensemble.

Perhaps the offhanded remark was just a ploy to fill seats.