Republicans Impalin'

I am not one to gloat.

But can you imagine what would have happened if the American people were duped into sending McCain-Palin to the White House?

Socialism for the Upper Class

The reality of McCain trickle down economics.




[Source]

Texas McCain Campaign Worker Tries to Start Riots

"B" stands for "bubblehead of the third kind."

Okay, people, the riots are postponed until voting day. It was all an ugly hoax.

Now go back to your Family Guy reruns.

The Part of Chicken Little Will be Played by President Bush

We interrupt the nation's impending catastrophic doom for the story time minute. Today's tender tale is that favorite children's classic, Bush'n Little.

All around Bush'n Little there was nothing but ruin and collapse. One day, wayward debris plopped down on his feathered brain.

"Laura! Dick! Come quickly. The sky is falling!" he chirped.

"Better do something at once, Bush'n Little," chimed in Brother Dick. "Go agitate those big guns down in Congress or play in traffic. Leave us alone for a change."

And so, Bush'n Little picked himself up out of Pennsylvania Avenue and trundled down the road. He met Fallson Paulson and McCan't McCain along the way. The three of them happened upon Dosie Pelosi, a beguiling creature with her own agenda.

"Oh please, Dosie Pelosi, the sky is falling. Can't you see?," pleaded Bush'n Little. "We need huge wads of cash for my buddies back at the hen house so that they can build a bridge up to the sky. That'll keep it from falling down, for sure."

"I see nothing of the sort, Bush'n Little," snarled Dosie, "And even if I did, you chickens have made such a mess of things, what good would it do?"

Fallson Paulson dropped to one knee. "Fair and gentle soul, Dosie Pelosi, have pity on feathered friends flocking together," he pleaded. "We need your help to stop the sky from crashing over all of us. You must get on board behind our cash grab or the entire sky will collapse."

"Fallson Paulson! How you do make me laugh," Dosie replied. "The Kingship is now up for grabs and I would be a fool to enhance the stature of your contestant over my own." At that point, the wily fox keened her eyes on McCan't. "Pray tell, what are you doing here, McCan't? Shouldn't you be out campaigning?"

"I put that on hold along with today's scary debate to follow in the path of Bush'n Little," replied McCan't with more than just a hint of pride. "He flaps about in noble acts of selflessness, screaming and warning like a bat out of hell, yet proposes nothing worthwhile. Nada. Zip. I can learn much from his chicken ways."

"Speak up, McCan't," urged Dosie, "I must determine whether I should kiss up to you."

"Uh, nope, sorry," said McCan't. "No can do. I cannot speak up. Too political. Besides, Bush'n Little is the one in charge. What he says goes."

And with that, Dosie Pelosi turned her back on the motley crew to seek out her own source of sustenance. The sky and everything in it could rain down on the world, she didn't care. She had everything she owned tied up in off-shore bank accounts, private foreign investments, and a slew of other hedges against catastrophe. She would be just fine in her own little padded lair.

But Bush'n Little and company? Somebody's lunch. She'd make completely certain of it.

Road to White House Runs Through David Letterman

"The economy is about to crater."

"Now that I'd like to see."

"Crater? I barely know her."

Bada bum.

But don't blame Letterman for what passed as witty repartee on last night's Late Night With David Letterman. After scheduled guest John McCain cancelled at the last minute, Dave struggled mightily to go on with the show.

I can only imagine the campaign's sorry cancellation call.

"Mr. Letterman? Uh, the Maverick has decided to suspend his presidential campaign to save our economy and he can't grace your show with his presence either. Make do with anything you can scrounge up around the studio (recently demoted MSNBC pundit Keith Olbermann was only too happy to oblige). Or suck it up, we don't care, there's work to be done inside the beltway." Click.

Yeah, buddy, well nobody puts Davey in the corner! Not even a powerful Senator of the U.S. Congress. We taxpayers don't care if we're about to take it up the wazoo for a gazillion dollar bailout or that Dubya's idea of saving the economy is to steal from the rich and give to the richer, we want our late night entertainment and we want it now!!

Clearly a bit of tension filled the studio as Dave's camera crew caught the GOP Nominee in a sit down with Katie Couric. You could have cut Dave's pride with a knife. Does McCain have any idea who he's tangling with?

At one point, Dave suggested McCain's surprise suspension of his run for the presidency was a ruse to counter sliding poll numbers, not a noble sacrifice to save the economy. He may have been joking, but the bite was unmistakable.

More so as he questioned McCain's failure to substitute "sexy babe" running mate Sarah Palin on the campaign trail. Gotta wonder what those two have been hiding. Heaven forbid the press should make mincemeat out of her before the election.

So, yeah, all the late night commotion got me thinking whether I want this sort of shoot from the hip style running the White House.

And here I thought Dave was a McCain supporter.

(video is over 9 minutes long but worth it. May disappear in foreseeable future)

[Source]

Congressman Ron Paul Refuses to Endorse John McCain

And he's not the only Republican bucking the tide.

Congressman Paul says he cannot endorse a candidate with whom he fundamentally disagrees on all the major issues. Federal reserve spending, taxes, education, foreign policy, and especially Iran. An implicit signal to his supporters to back Obama-Biden. You'd think Texans would have gotten the message by now.

Long time Conservative and former editor of The National Review Wick Allison also admits that McCain is not the right man for the job. He says Conservatives are "cemented to political programs when they clearly don't work" and view the war against terror as a theological expansion of America's mission to defeat evil. He further cautions against a philosophy that would make "George Washington cough out his wooden teeth."

We've come a long way from being isolationists, but unilaterally becoming the "Avenger of Evil" under a mistaken notion of religious duty is as bad as the terrorists.

I used to believe kill or be killed was the only way to defeat our enemies, but fall of the Roman Empire provides a valuable lesson in the possible repetition of history. Perhaps failed diplomacy wasn't responsible for the war as much as the people who delivered the message. Obama-Biden have better foreign policy expertise between them. In this critical area, the contest isn't close.

John McCain is so out of touch with mainstream America, he can't keep his answers straight any more, like he has to choose between what he's been coached to say and what he really believes. In his defense, I can't blame him for doing what needs to be done to claim victory. McCain had to energy his Conservative base or risk losing them at the polls. But at what price comes the pacification of such a small portion of the electorate?

Conservative values are basically good and decent. I have no qualms with the majority of them, believing many traditional values are worth following. I only draw the line when Conservatives insist on imposing those values on non-subscribers. It isn't the role of government to keep library books off the shelves, decide what a woman should do with her body, or institute tax policies that favor 2% of the population holding 90% of the wealth.

The system is broken. John McCain is essentially promising more of the same. Don't get me started on earmarks for special interest groups.

Barack Obama recently wowed a sizable crowd with his comments about the meltdown on Wall Street. The video is long, but the first five minutes pack a wallop.

Obama's are the sentiments most capable of turning this country back in the right direction. "The dream of the American people must not be endangered any more!"

Time is running out to register to vote. If you haven't done so already, get off your patootey now! This election is a pivotal time in American history. Whichever candidate you support, stand up and be counted.

McCain Palin Make Curious Voter Appeal

The dynamic duo is currently campaigning in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Meanwhile, Svetlana Pankratova and He Pingping dazzle crowds in Trafalger Square.

Celebrities Trash Sarah Palin and Mo' Gossip

The Rush Limbaugh Show painted Eva Longoria Parker as the latest celebrity to voice her opinion about the qualifications of Republican V.P. Nominee Sarah Palin. In an unverified promotion for tonight's 2008 Alma Awards, Longoria Parker reportedly stated, "After four years of sex and treachery in Desperate Housewives, I thought I was a perfect pick for vice president." We thought she was the perfect pick for baby bump speculation, but what do we know?

An airport paparazzo suffered a "gak" attack at the hands of musician Kanye West and his manager, Don Crowley. Facing charges of felony vandalism, West was released from police custody Thursday afternoon. "We back in the lab!!! I'm cool with the paparazzi. This guy wasn't cool. I gotta work now... I'll rant later," wrote West on his blog. All good about being cool, but did he ever stop to think the problem might not be the cameraman?

Appearing in Toronto to denounce animal abuse, former Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson had some more choice words for Sarah Palin. "I can't stand her," Anderson told E! News Weekend Canada. "She can suck it!" Oh come on, Pam. Say how you really feel.

The lively ladies of The View hosted Senator John McCain, then grilled their guest with accusations of lies, distortions, and walking in lock step with his party. McCain claimed he was the same guy as always, a maverick who will clean up Washington. Using what -- a hunting guide from Dick Cheney?

Saturday Night Live will premiere its new season this weekend with guest host Michael Phelps, Baltimorean and Eight Time Olympic Medal Champion. Speculation is rampant about the actress best suited to play Sarah Palin. Yes, there's a certain separated at birth look about Tina Fey and Gina Gershon, but my money's on Kristen Wiig. What do you think?

Top Ten (Plus Five) John McCain Green Screen Challenges

Despite valliant deterrent efforts by Comedy Central's Steve Colbert, John McCain never waivered on his premise that a green screen would enhance campaign rhetoric.

The same critter serving as boring backdrop during a poorly attended campaign stump made a questionable reappearance at the Republican National Convention. Too bad the Gentleman from Arizon didn't feel the need to reconsider.

Thus Colbert's challenge to enliven McCain's green screen marches on. Her are our top fifteen past entries to lead the charge.

McCain of the Lost Ark

The Day McCain Stood Still

McCain Simpson

Star Trek McCain

Puppet McCain

Blue Suede Shoes Edition

Pulp McCain

Citizen McCain

Ferris Bueller McCain

Oldergeist

McCain Throughout the Ages

Three Stooges McCain




The Wizard of Oz Edition

Numa NuMcCain

McCaining Arizona

Where is Hillary Clinton When Candidate Refers to Lipstick on a Pig?

In the return to "silly season" politics, the McCain Campaign is blasting Barack Obama for supposedly sexist remarks made at a campaign stop in Lebanon, Virginia.

Let's just list this for a second. John McCain says he's about change, too. Except -- and so I guess his whole angle is, 'Watch out, George Bush, except for economic policy, health-care policy, tax policy, education policy, foreign policy, and Karl Rove-style politics. We're really gonna shake things up in Washington.' That's not change. That's just calling some -- the same thing, something different. But you know, you can -- you know, you can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.

Obama then praised both McCain's "compelling story" and Palin's "interesting story," saying his "hat goes off" to anyone who's looking after five kids -- I've got two and they tire Michelle and me out -- that's why John McCain's campaign manager said this campaign isn't going to be about issues, this campaign is going to be about personalities."

Jane Swift, Massachusetts chairwoman of McCain's "Palin Truth Squad," said Obama's lipstick remark was an obvious reference to Mrs Palin's much-quoted line that the only difference between hockey moms and pitbull dogs is lipstick.

"It seemed to me a gendered comment. There's only one woman in the race," she said.

Baltimore radio station WCBM immediately jumped on the bandwagon, devoting almost all of this morning's air time to outraged indignation and terse demands for an immediate apology.

Local talk show host Tom Marr not only relentlessly pounded Obama for his lipstick remarks, but also clobbered him on his "You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change -- it's still gonna stink after 8 years" remark, claiming the expression was a reference to 72-year old John McCain. One clearly misguided woman called the program to add how Obama's lipstick remark proved he is a Muslim because "all Muslims refer to their women as pigs."

Obama Campaign senior advisor Anita Dunn swiftly responded to the ridiculous controversy in a prepared statement,

A pathetic attempt to play the gender card about the use of a common analogy - the same analogy that Senator McCain himself used about Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's health care plan just last year. This phony lecture on gender sensitivity is the height of cynicism and lays bare the increasingly dishonorable campaign John McCain has chosen to run.

"The expression is timeless and it has always meant that though you may dress something up, it doesn’t change what that something is," explained Robert Gibbs, chief Obama Campaign spokesman.

Indeed, the expression is so common that McCain's former press secretary, Torie Clark, used it for a book title and McCain himself used the expression last October when offering his opinion about Hillary Clinton's health care plan (thank you, Jake Tapper).

Obama recently issued his own response to the unnecessary distraction. He has nothing to be sorry about. In a full-blown effort to counteract media bias, the McCain Campaign has gone overboard, jumped the shark to a whole new level of underhanded politics. Talk about vicious attacks. McCain supporters are having a field day with the misrepresentation of Obama's remarks.

The American people want to hear about issues, the candidates' political platforms, and answers to hard hitting questions. Cloyingly desperate attempts to revisit political silly season only demonstrates how little McCain/Palin have to say.

Must See TV: The Vetting of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, Part I

Focus on GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin continues to dominate the media. Less than sixty days remain before the presidential election.

Exactly who is Sarah Palin? What do we really know about her? Does her personal character matter? What about her associations? Is an inexperienced vice president a trivial or important matter? After all, it's not like Palin is running for president.

Or perhaps because Palin's running mate is the oldest candidate to have ever run for president, the choice of V.P. is significant.

Voters must decide and we're here to lending a helping hand. Culled from the blogosphere, it's the video vetting of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.

Party Push for Palin began in March, 2008:

Energy policy and leanings toward Mitt Romney and Ron Paul:

Disingenuous response to V.P. consideration:

Initial failure to appreciate office of vice president:

Flipped on commitment to child rearing and job as governor:

Veiled endorsement of Obama campaign message:

1996 fundraiser and brigadier for Pat Buchanan:

Only supported Forbes in 2000 because Buchanan knocked out of the primary:

Politico alleges anti-Semitism:

Abuse of power probe leaves more questions than answers:

Offer to craft public safety solutions ignored:

Mixing church and state:

"The Architect" explains how Palin fits into McCain strategy:

Live pundit reaction to lack of experience and "being eaten alive" by the media:

Selection process questioned:

Party insider misgivings:

Republican pundits smear behind seemingly closed doors:

"May go down in history as the most peculiar choice for vice president ever."

And of course, celebrity politics:

The vetting continues. Part II as we approach the election.

Politics of Hypocrisy Isn't Pretty in Pink

Jon Stewart scores a perfect 300. Pinheads of politics didn't even see it coming.

Doubting Sarah Barracuda will bowl 'em over come November.

Sarah Palin's Family Pain Becomes Media Fodder

Inordinate amounts of incongruous baby sightings during Wednesday's Republican National Convention played like a public relations staging of family values.

First up, Cindy McCain cradling a baby. Then it was Republican V.P. Nominee Sarah Palin's husband holding their infant son. Next, Palin's young daughter in baby holding central. When the little girl licked her fingers to smooth down the baby's hair, I half expected her to spit away smudges too. Luckily the camera pulled away before she could completely gross out the audience.

Whatever public relations coup the Republicans think all that baby holding accomplished, somebody better get a grip on reality.

Hot off the presses comes the glut of celebrity magazine covers featuring Sarah Palin with not so nice news about members of her family. Is there something maniacal about the camera angle? The reversed image of her pinched out a smile with "must hold eyes open" glare reminds me of those America's Next Top Model themed photo shoots, you know, the ones where contestants pose using wacky scenery in the background.

"Give me fierce, Sarah, your most fierce pose as new mother and governator! Oh yeah, that's fearless, yes. Love the 'we're gonna terminate you' look as baby obliviously grips a finger."

The GOP has been criticizing the media's treatment of Palin's unmarried pregnant 17-year old daughter, Bristol. Majority opinion says to lay off because Bristol is not in the public eye and didn't seek publicity for having sex out of wedlock. I couldn't disagree more. At least the media fire storm is understandable.

Prior to Palin's nomination, Obama family bashing was good sport. Conservative pundits claimed Michelle Obama was fair game because she made campaign appearances. They mercilessly played her controversial sound bites over and over until most people didn't care whether she was proud of her country for the first time or "really proud." Then they went to town on Access Hollywood's 4th of July family interview, claiming Obama exploited his young children for the sake of publicity. Don't get me started on the stink they continue to make over his personal associations.

So, why should Sarah Palin's personal associations be off limits?

For a woman whose face was supposed to evoke the embodiment of core conservative values, revelation of Bristol's pregnancy is more than just a fly in the ointment. It's shocking confirmation of another politician talking the talk but not walking the walk. For someone preaching abstinence and holier than thou fundamentals, Palin didn't do such a hot job of indoctrinating her own daughter. Worse, she's running on a platform seeking to dictate those values to the American people. Changes in public policy and the composition of the Supreme Court are on the line. The public has a right to know everything about the person advocating such changes.

Granted, the media is having a field day with Palin and the almost daily revelations of shocking surprises, including her husband's association with an independent political party and Pat Buchanan's assertions that she was a fundraising member of his brigade. But isn't that to be expected when the presidential election is less than 100 days away?

Pundits who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Brad Pitt Rescues Fan and Other Celebolitics Shorts

The Tuesday Wrap:

A hero of The Venice Film Festival can now rest comfortably on his laurels. As an anxious fan almost fell into the canals below, Brad Pitt reflexively offered a hand to scoop him away. Pitt then gave the boy an autograph before making a quick exit stage left. [more]

He's here, he's there, he's everywhere. If there isn't a limit to striking the iron while it's hot, there should be. In addition to scheduled appearances on the season openers of Oprah Winfrey and Saturday Night Live, Olympic champion Michael Phelps paraded with Mickey, filmed a cameo with Ari Gold, and accepted an invitation to present at MTV's Video Music Awards. Is there anything the eight medal in one Olympian cannot do? Yeah. Lead a victory parade in his own hometown. Happy hobnobbing, Phelps. [more]

Baltimore isn't the only town holding its breath for a celebration. The Republican National Convention remains on high alert as big names cancel appearances right and left. The political correctness of Hurricane Gustav is killing 'em in St. Paul, Minnesota. Let's hope the same doesn't happen to residents of The Big Easy. [more]

CCTV had an eye-opener when actor Josh Harnett and a lady friend drew the curtains in a seemingly secluded portion of the Soho Hotel library. Little did they know, employees gawked as video cameras captured their explicit sexcapades. Afterward, Harnett was quietly asked to take his business elsewhere. [more]

Model and singer Grace Jones sent tongues wagging with a bizarre array of stage outfits and headgear. Strutting her stuff at the Electric Arena in Ireland, the fishnet clad diva's mental well-being was recently called into question. [more]

Another celebrity boy toy hits the scene, this time with 50-year old actress Sharon Stone. She and charity supporter Chase Dreyfous, 24, were recently spotted getting cozy in Malibu, California. The pair have been seeing each other for about two months. [more]

Always wanted to be a movie star but never fit the bill? Now's your chance to be a reality star... in the comfort of your living room, that is. Announcing "Imagine Movie Star." Oh yeah, it's for real. In a fantasy sort of way. [more]

And in big duh news, Amy Winehouse's incessant drug use is feared to have caused brain damage (must not go there...hold tongue....too easy... moving on). [more]


Daily Arrested:

Former British Celebrity Big Brother contestant, Jack Tweed, 21, was sentenced to 18 months in Chelmsford Crown Court for a 2006 assault. [more]

An assistant to Ginger Baker, prominent musician of the 1960s band "Cream," is on trial for twenty-seven counts of fraud. Baker had hired the former bank employee to help him with his finances only to find about 21,000 pounds missing from his account and fraud alerts disabled. [more]


Celebrity Causes:

Critically acclaimed actor Johnny Depp got on board with the Dan Marino Foundation. Depp played with former band, "The Kids" for half an hour in Pompano Beach, Florida to benefit special needs children. [more]

Kate Moss, Liam Gallagher, and Jude Law have donated personal items for charity. Among the items being sold to raise money for Breast Cancer Care are a signed pair of Christian Louboutin peep toe stilettos, a Martin Margiela suit worn in the remake of Alfie, a signed guitar, a leather jacket from Gary Kemp's days in the Spandau Ballet, and an original Jake Chapman drawing. [more]

Maybe it's a guilty conscience. Jude Law is also donating his time in war torn Afghanistan to maintain momentum for The United Nation's Peace Day celebration. Law says he wants more people to recognize the day because he believes it help save lives. [more]

"I Kissed A Girl" pop star, Kate Perry, plastered her chest to raise money for breast cancer research. Keep-A-Breast.org will receive all proceeds from the MTV video and ample bust casting. [more]

U2 frontman Bono and fashion designer Giorgio Armani have once again convinced actress Julia Roberts to design a T-shirt for charity. Her treetop acronym design will benefit the global fight against AIDS, tuberculosis and malaria. [more]

The mother of all telethons smashed records once again. The organization run by comedian Jerry Lewis raised a record $65 million for the Muscular Dystrophy Association over Labor Day weekend. [more]


Civil Matters:

Claiming age discrimination, UK Channel Five replacement Selina Scott is taking the station and its Director of Programmes Ben Gale to the London Employment Tribunal. The former face of News at Ten, age 57, claims she did not receive a final contract to fill in for pregnant newsreader Natasha Kaplinsky because Gale wanted "a younger face." [more]

Survivor producer Mark Burnett filed a complaint with the California Labor Commission alleging former associate Conrad Riggs violated The Talent Agencies Act, a little known law generally used in disputes between actors and agents. Burnett claims Riggs acted as his de facto agent, defrauding him of fees and commissions. [more]

Celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz is being sued to pay for renovations to her Greenwich Village townhouse. Documents claim she has racked up debts totalling more than $700,000. [more]

The lies are not true. Novelist Salman Rushdie won a libel suit against former bodyguard Ronald Evans. Rather than claim damages for the harm to his professional reputation, Rushdie only sought reimbursement of legal expenses. [more]


Gone But Not Forgotten:

Host of the gardening television show, Sow What and Australian celebrity gardener, Kevin Heinze. Heart attack at age 81.

Australian actor, writer and director Michael Pate. Lung infection at age 88.

Theatrical comedian Ken Campbell. Unknown causes at age 66.

The King of Voiceovers, Don LaFontaine. Complications from pneumothorax at age 68.

Gone With the Wind suitor, Fred Crane. Complications from diabetes at age 90.

Hillary Clinton PUMAs Sense McCain Facade

If the kingdom's pundits are to be believed, on the eve of the Republican National Convention the sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits lies in tatters as wild-eyed untamed PUMAs* frantically pace nearby.

Starved out of their minds and thirsting once and for all to shatter the bane of their embattled existence, they diligently point flared nostrils to the wind, yearning for the faint whiff of politically charged estrogen. For the smell of this elixir would instantly transform the mange-ridden pack into a proud, free, brave coalition of yesteryear, a dream team so close to propelling their once fearless leader through a barrier to hallowed ground, they could taste the side of hash browns, eggs, and steaming coffee served a la Lincoln's bedroom on a tray.

But alas, it was not meant to be. And so, the PUMAs pace, all the while biding their time unable to bond with the anointed one.

Now lo and behold, the Republicans offer a bone. A comely female pure and true, politically charged with no less than an entire state at her command! Wafting estrogen permeates the air, its charge so electrical the packs' downy hairs stand straight on end.

"This is who you've been waiting for," cry the Republicans, "What a grand example of femalehood and she is yours, all yours for the taking."

If the kingdom's pundits are to be believed, the PUMAs pounce, jumping ship from the callous party who ripped the fibers from their very souls. Instinctively, they greet the comely mistress, abandoning the sisterhood of traveling pantsuits lying crumbled in a heap of ruined dreams. They shall embrace her as one of their own, heaving high above their shoulders her glorious promise of future prosperity. She alone shall ride the crest of their fallen hearts. For she, this maiden savior, is their one true hope, their battering ram to height of promise. She alone will lead them to coveted hallowed grounds with open arms and glad tidings of joy.

Only their proud new mistress is not alone. She has hitched a ride on the coattails of a haughty prancing steed.

And in that brief instant, as they eye the prancing steed, the PUMAs see the comely mistress as she truly is. A lowly handmaiden to the bellowing behemoth disguising its maverick airs in a cloak of conservatism. She is female, yes, and politically charged, 'tis true, but in the time it takes to bat an eye, the PUMAs see beyond the estrogen, the comeliness, and her bewitching wiles. Their glassy eyes fill with terror as the yokes of bondage with which the pageant beauty queen wishes to enslave come clearly into view.

No right to choose.

No equal parity with pay.

No sons or daughters exiting Iraq.

No stopping the erosion of Fourteenth Amendment rights.

The PUMAs flee in horror, tails squarely between their legs. They have seen the cloak of conservatism like a bolt of lightening across the dead of night. The comely female is nothing more than a shapely facade harboring shackles of their putrid past. The noble PUMAs have fought too hard, too long to throw each hard-earned victory to the wind.

The pageant beauty queen may break through the glass ceiling, but at what price, the PUMAs muse. They are too smart, too wise to speak the answer aloud.

Hungry and starved as they may be to break through the glass ceiling of oppression, they lick their wounds and return to whence they came. Among the faithful, they reluctantly embrace the anointed. Safe in the bosom of political principles supporting the foundation on which they stand. After all, their once fearless leader did give her scared blessing to the cause.

The sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits may now lie in tatters, but one day it too shall rise. Perhaps not in the form they once envisioned, but with politically charged estrogen, that much is clear. On that day, the PUMAs shall resurrect the pantsuits on their terms, on principles they hold near and dear, by one who is truly of their own kind.

Not a crock of conservatism cloaking an unwieldy steed.

*party unity my ass

Ellen DeGeneres to Wed, Jackson Browne Seeing Red, and Lindsay Sharing Bed

You clamoured for mundane celebrity gossip and we're going to give it to you. Another edition of The Weekly Wrap of Crap.

McCain and the RNC finally went too far. Musician Jackson Browne is the latest aggrieved celebrity with a beef against the Senator from Arizona. Browne joins an ever expanding list of celebrities with copyright infringement claims against McCain and the Republican Party, including Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Paris Hilton, ABBA, and John Mellencamp. Ohio RNC chairman Robert Bennett pulled the ad after Browne filed suit in L.A. U.S. District Court.

Contrary to persistent rumors, Madonna is not adopting another child. Or maybe she is. We're so confused. Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg has been known to issue misleading news in the past.

Ben Stiller continues to battle backlash against his latest film Tropic Thunder. But not for the reasons most people suspect. Apparently, Stiller is an equal opportunity offender, placing Caucasian actor Robert Downey, Jr. in black face, and repeatedly using the "r" word to refer to developmentally challenged children.

BET debuts a cross between Keith Olbermann and Bill Maher with a black perspective this Friday at 11 p.m. Entertainment news program The Truth With Jeff Johnson is the latest entry in the political entertainment genre.

It's wedding bells for DeGeneres and de Rossi. Popular talk show host Ellen DeGeneres and fiance Portia de Rossi plan to wed in a same-sex ceremony this weekend.

Get a chance to see what life looks like through the eyes of a famous celebrity. A-list stars donated their eyeglasses for an eBay charity auction benefiting Sightsavers International. Bidding ends on August 24th. Money from the auction will fund the work of the international blindness charity in 33 countries across Africa, Asia and the Caribbean to prevent and cure blindness and support people who are permanently blind or visually impaired. Former spectacle owners include Sir Michael Caine, designer Bruce Oldfield, George Michael, and Ewan McGregor.

Elizabeth Edwards is reportedly anguished over husband John's admitted affair with a campaign aide. Edwards was "unprepared for the amount of disgust and how swiftly everything else he had done in his career would be wiped away, and ... really reeling from that and afraid what it will do to their legacy as a couple and what their children will inherit." Maybe Edwards should have considered the scum sucking fallout before hopping into bed with a flooze.

Check out the "Celebs to Watch Out For" list. Paparazzi, you've been warned.

It's official. Lindsay Lohan confirms sharing a bed with lover Samantha Ronson. Lohan hasn't been with a man since the two started dating. Reportedly Sam has a real calming effect on the former wild child and the two are inseparable. Any relationship helping Lindsay tone down her hard partying ways is a big plus in my eyes.

Weight loss stories sell magazines. Just ask actress Jennifer Love Hewitt. After admonishing the tabloids for shining the spotlight on her cellulite, she encouraged women to be proud of their own bodies whatever shape or size. Now the star of Ghost Whisperer announces dropping 18 pounds in 10 weeks. "I am in a pretty good workout regimen that I like, so it inspired me to keep it up," Hewitt told US Magazine. Her trainer claims she didn't drop the weight to look good in a dress but failed to offer any other plausible motivation.

Mike Myers Schwings John McCain Fan Club Advertisement

Here we go again. Don't those McCain staffers know when to quit? I mean, is "Fan Club," their latest attack against Barack Obama for real? It looks like a computer science project spliced together by a 10-year old.

Now all we need is a viral video response from Wayne and Garth, aka Mike Myers and Dana Carvey, declaring their joint candidacy from a roach infested basement in Aurora, Illinois. Didn't those two perform a similarly inspired sketch at this year's MTV Movie Awards?

Wait a minute. I think I'm gonna hurl.

Okay, I'll take the bait, although a remake of campaign McCain's homepage looks suspiciously like the gateway to Barack Obama's fan club. Hey, I'm ready to sign on for dreamy eyes. But wait. Isn't this McCain's campaign website?

I'm soooooo confused!

Ignoring the possibility of a set-up, as in "I think we're not in Kansas any more," the latest stink between campaign McCain and SNL royalty is so far over the top we may all be getting punk'd.

Ashton Kutcher, is that you?

Maybe not. In case you haven't already put two and two together, campaign McCain "is not worthy," having once again stepped over the line of ethical behavior by using protected intellectual property without first securing permission from the rightful owners.

At least Mike Myers had the stones to scream copyright infringement, although fat lot of good it did with the video still parked on YouTube. So the offending final minutes won't appear on television. Big deal. How many donors will receive emails with the password for private viewing? Isn't that the same as Camp McCain plowing full speed ahead?

Michael Goldfarb, staffer of The McCain Report, laments cutting the Wayne's World bit off the official ad, casting some sort of vast left wing Hollywood conspiracy theory or possible plot of another Star Wars sequel as culprit.

Goldfarb is so far off the mark, I'm ready to blow chunks.

Just who does the Senator from Arizona think he is using celebrity copyrights and trademarked material like they're lazily floating about in the public domain, ripe for the pickings of any Washington insider with an itchy lasso?

Self-absorbed maverick? More like bubble-headed lamebrain.

Typecasting McCain and cronies desperately want to pin on Obama.

[Source]

The George Clooney Curse, Lohan Christian Values, and Other Celebolitic Shorts

This site isn't the only one mixing up politics and celebrities. In today's "Bastard Child," a sampling of mutant celebolitic spawn from around the country.

Does dating George Clooney cause a curse on future hapiness? Yes, according to Britain's Next Top Model judge Lisa Snowden. "It's not something I planned but I just don't get asked out any more. Men seem to look at me and think, 'She went out with George Clooney, what chance have I got?'" The 36-year old model also says her five year on-again-off-again relationship with Clooney hurt her career.

Australian Idol winner Kate DeAraugo won't be hawking diet products on behalf of weight loss conglomerate Jenny Craig. Citing "personal health issues," the break-out star is otherwise mum about the reason for the split.

Actor Richard Dreyfus wants his money back. In a lawsuit filed last Friday against his father and uncle, Dreyfus claims damages of $870,000.

Michael Lohan says his Christian faith would prevent him from giving away famous daughter Lindsay in a gay wedding ceremony. When discussing Lindsay's public love affair with DJ Samantha Ronson, Lohan insists he wants his daughter "to be happy." Guess that Christian faith didn't get in the way of puportedly fathering Lindsay's illegitimate half-sister Ashley.

The "Lonely Loony" aka the "Lusty Lord of the Manor of Warleigh" David Piper, who once advertised for a Lady of the Manor and attracted applications from all around the world, is selling "his whole life" on eBay and hasn't ruled out the possibility of throwing himself into the bargain.

I pity the fool who thinks Mr. T is homophobic. Nevertheless, T pelted a wiggling yellow clad speed walker with candy bars, screaming "You are a disgrace to the man race. It's time to run like a real man" and "Get some nuts!" in a UK Snickers commercial. The ad was pulled after gay rights groups complained.

A dispute over a 1988 film of the late Rodney Dangerfield has been settled. Dangerfield's daughter, Melanie Roy-Friedman, allowed Comedy Central to air the master copy of her father's act without permission from stepmother Joan. Under the terms of settlement all copyrights to Dangerfield's act are held by his widow, Joan Dangerfield.

The upcoming Democratic National Convention promises a roster of stars reading like a Hollywood premiere. Big name celebrities are expected to attend parties hosted by AT&T, MTV, and Rock The Vote. Kanye West, Wyclef Jean, the rap/rock fusion band N.E.R.D., Ben Affleck, Scarlett Johansson, Warren Beatty, Annette Bening, Forrest Whitaker, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Cheryl Hines, and Ed Norton Jr. are just a few of the A-Listers convention spokesman Chris Lopez will neither confirm nor deny are on the guest list.

Can't decide who to vote for in the upcoming presidential election? Why bother with political platforms when pop culture icons might influence the vote? John McCain favors Batman, ABBA, Roy Orbison, Linda Ronstadt, Usher, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, Dexter, Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and Dennis Hasbert in 24. Barack Obama favors Batman, Spiderman, Frank Sinatra, Bob Dylan, Sheryl Crow, John Coltrane, M*A*S*H, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Shrek the Third, and Jeff Bridges in The Contender.

Paris Hilton is Like, Totally Running for President

In the Bizarro Celebolitics World, politicians imagine themselves pitted in a race for president against "the biggest celebrity in the world." They use celebrity star power to raise money for campaigns and raise the specter of TV comedy sketches as rebuttal in a nationally televised primary debate.

In the Bizarro Celebolitics World, celebrities stump campaign trails on behalf of their favorite political candidate. They chuck movie star lives to run for political office, sometimes reaching the highest echelons of American government.

And sometimes they're unwillingly interjected into a race for president. But today, in the Bizzaro Celebolitics World, Paris Hilton shows everyone how to fight back.

By running for president, silly. No really, she's like, totally running for president. The "old wrinkly white haired dude" stuck her in a campaign ad without asking, "Mother May I," so she's retaliating by throwing her tiara into the ring.

"I'll see you at the debates, b**ches," taunts Paris in this newly released video.

Not if we see her first.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Note: Embedding doesn't seem to work with this video. If the problem doesn't correct itself, you can view the Paris farce here.


Okay, "that's hot" Paris isn't actually running for president, but this is the Bizarro Celebolitics World, remember? Where celebrities get to spout simple solutions to America's looming energy crisis and paint the White House pink. Get with the program.

What a difference a year makes. Just last summer, Sarah Silverman famously lampooned the party hopping celebutante at the MTV Movie Awards. Paris then became the talk of the town for getting her bologna sandwiches from the inside of a jail cell. Larry King was the only notable talent who would bite at her lame DUI story. Honestly, the poor creature vapidly morphed into a pathetic shell of her former self, disinherited by her famous grandpappy, hounded by the paparazzi and mainstream media...

And then Britney came along.

I thought the Bizarro Celebolitics World couldn't get any more freakish, but then remembered this jewel of foreshadow stowed away in my treasure trove.

WARNING: Video contains language unsuitable for children under age 13. Content rated PG-13. Continue viewing with explicit acknowledgement of having read and understood this warning.

If that's not the most bizarre development in this convoluted evolution of Paris, I'll eat my bippy with a cherry on top.

Civil Rights Record Haunts John McCain

There's been a lot of verbal sparring between presumptive nominees Senators Barack Obama and John McCain. Disingenuous assurances to run a positive campaign. Race card baiting. Inaccurate summation of campaign stumping. The list goes on.

Socialite hotel goddess Kathy Hilton jumped into the fray, blasting McCain for comparing Obama to her daughter Paris and criticizing the controversial campaign ad as "a complete waste of the country's time and attention at the very moment when millions of people are losing their homes and their jobs."

At first glance, one might think Hilton slammed McCain for making precious Paris look like a meaningless ditz. And you'd be right.

But there's more to this sizzle than meets the eye. Ticking off influential campaign supporters doesn't speak well for McCain's decision making capabilities. After all, he's John McCain and he approved that message. I mean, if McCain is so deadset on alienating voters, doesn't it make sense to anger those he's already lost?

People like, say, civil rights advocates?

Those voters may never forgive his initial opposition to a national holiday honoring slain civil rights hero Dr. Martin Luther King. Believe it or not, certain members of Congress tried to kill the proposal. To his credit, McCain has since admitted the error of his ways, doing a complete 180. A guy is entitled to change his mind, right? Certainly, Senator Obama changes his mind about important issues all the time.

But then why at a recent Florida press conference did McCain actively portray himself as a champion of civil rights?

Love how this article shows the presumptive Republican nominee stumbling and bumbling on a simple two-part inquiry. Radio talk show hosts have played rambling Obama outtakes in an effort to make the presumptive Democrat nominee sound like a brain-addled ninny. It's good to see the shoe on another foot for a change.

Note to self: Talk show hosts make themselves look the fool by ridiculing Obama's oratory skills while ignoring their good 'ol boy in the White House.

But getting back to the ethical side of this election, if John McCain is so all fired honorable, shouldn't he publicly acknowledge a long history of civil rights opposition? He's more like a braying donkey dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century than a champion of civil rights. And if there's anything I hate more than unethical politicians, it's two-faced politicians bathing themselves in a fictional light.

Look, I get it. McCain wants this side of his legislative record to be veiwed as a relic of the past. And who knows? I might be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt down the road.

Just as soon as Republicans forgive and forget the relic past of Barack Obama.